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A FARCE COMEDY PLAYLET 




BY 



JONAS A. ROSENFIELD 



rite Jf If tp Cental /. 



#orlion ^E«sus (gortion 



A Mock Trial Playlet for Purpose of 
Zionist Propaganda. 



BY 

JONAS. A. ROSENFIELD 



DALLAS. - TEXAS 






7^*° ^^3 



Copyright, 1917 

by 

Jonas A. Rosenficld. 

All rights reserved. 



/ 

MAR 30 1917 

>CI,0 46510 



Dedicated to 

my wife 

who gave me faith in myself 

and to 

the Zionist Movement 

which gave me faith in 

the Jews. 



GORDON vs. GORDON. 



A mock trial playlet for purposes of Zionist propaganda. 

by 
Jonas A. Rosenfield. 

{The scene is laid in a modern court 7'oom. There is the 
usual furniture of judge's desk, clerk's desk, tvitness stand, 
chairs, tables for the lawyers, etc). 

CHARACTERS 

JUDGE MENDEL — Who presides over the court {dignified). 

BENJ. TOBEL— Clerk of the court {stammers). 

ABE SHOTSKY — Sheriff {fat, noisy and lazy). 

JACOB BAUM — Attorney for plaintiff {cocksure, loud and 
impudent) . 

HERZL WALDM AN— Attorney for defendant {keen and 
gentlemanly) . 

GIGGLE CANS GORDON— Plaintiff {stout, pouting, preten- 
tious, spoiled, hut good at heart). 

MORDECAI X. GORDON— Defendant {excitable, amiable, 
impidsive) . 

MADAM MANIA — Zionist propagandist {poised and sedate). 

DORA SCHMUS — Witness for Mrs. Gordon {weis alius type 
— lots of self-esteem). 

LEAH DONGUT — Witness for Bezalel {refined and artistic). 

SAMUEL TOBIAS— National fund witness. 

ARTHUR LEVINE — Emergency fund witness. 

MADAM PATRIA— Composer of ALL HAIL AMERICA, Na- 
tional Anthem. 

THE EIGHT GORDON CHILDREN— Named Halukkah, Pin- 
sker, Schapiro, Brandeis, Herzl, Wolffsohn, Nordau and 
Ben Yehudah, respectively. 



GORDON VS. GORDON 



THE PLAY. 



(The play opens with the stage unoccupied save for the 
clerk busy at his desk and the sheriff asleep. The clerk aivak- 
ens him and he proceeds to call the court to order) . 



SHOTSKY— O yez! yez! yez! the Twenty-third Dis- 
trict Divorce Mill is now called to order. (A few seconds lat- 
er plaintiff and defendant, accompanied by their counsel, saun- 
ter into the room. Mrs. G. weeps and her laivyer tries to com- 
fort her. Follows Dongut, who sits on the side of the defen- 
dant. Then Madam Mania enters with an air of amused dis- 
dain. A little later the Judge enters and all stand until he is 
seated) . 

JUDGE — (Looking at his docket and reading). The first 
case is ASKER vs. ASKER. (No response, louder) . ASKER 
vs. ASKER. (Still no response). Mr. Clerk why are these 
parties not ready? 

TOBEL — The 1-1-lawyer for the p-p-p-plaintiff t-t-t-told me 
last night at the club that his client could not come today, be- 
cause she had a d-d-date to see F-F-Francis B-B-Bushman in 
the "Lingering Love." 

JUDGE — Case is continued for good cause. 

(At this point cou7't is interrupted by the eight Gordon 
children ivho file in chaperoned by Miss Schmus — just before 
they sit doivn behind the mother they discover their father 
and say) : 

CHILDREN — Hello, pa-pa! (all in one voice). 



GORDON VS. GORDON 



SHOTSKY— Order in the court. 

JUDGE — (Reads docket and calls next case) : GORDON 
vs. GORDON. 

BAUM — Plaintiff announces ready, your honor. 

WALDMAN — Defendant announces ready, your honor. 

JUDGE — Swear all the witnesses, Mr. Clerk. 

(All stand, including the eight little Gordons and hold up 
the right hand). 

TOBEL — (Holding up his right hand). You and each of 
you d-d-do solemnly swear that in the testimony you are about 
to give in this case you will tell the t-t-t-truth, the whole truth 
and nothing but the t-t-t-truth so help you G-G-G-God. 

(All say, "We do," but the children say it in one voice last 
of all) . 

WALDMAN — (Rising). I don't believe, your honor, that 
the children understand what an oath is. 

MRS. GORDON— (i^zsm^). O, yes, they do. They have 
heard their father swear often enough. Why only the other 
day he — 

JUDGE — (Pounding with his gavel). Sit down, Mrs. 
Gordon. We must have order in this court. 

(Some of the children commence to cry) . 

MRS. GORDON — See there, Judge, you scared them with 
your knocker. 

JUDGE — Mr. Sheriff, go over there and amuse the chil- 
dren. 

(The Sheriff goes over to the children and takes from his 
pocket rattles and trhikets to amuse the children, and comes\ 
quickly to his seat as all his by-play must be done quickly so 
as not to detract attention from the main proceedings) . 

JUDGE — Let us proceed with this case. 

BAUM — (Advancing before the Judge's desk and read- 
ing his petition, during which the defendant gets very much 
agitated) . 



10 GORDON VS. GORDON 



STATE OF TZOROSS, 
COUNTY OF GOYIM. 

In 23rd District Divorce Mill of Goyim County, State of 

Tzoross, February Term, 1917. 
To the Hon. Judge of said Court: 

Now comes Giggle Gans Gordon, who resides in Goyim 
County, State of Tzoross, complaining of Mordecai X. Gor- 
don, of the same county and State, hereinafter styled de- 
fendant, and for cause of action plaintiff represents to the 
court that she is an actual, bona fide inhabitant of the State 
of Tzoross, and has resided in the said County of Goyim for 
at least six months next preceding the filing of this suit ; that : 

1. Plaintiff was lawfully married to defendant on or 
about the 15th day of February, 1907, on board ship, com- 
ing over 'to America. That when defendant had said at that 
time to this plaintiff: "The sea is not so blue, as my love for 
you," plaintiff experienced a sinking feeling around the heart, 
which she thought at the time was love, but which now she 
believes to have been nothing more than sea-sickness. That 
they have continued to fight it out as man and wife, from that 
day until this, but that defendant's conduct toward this plain- 
tiff is so harsh, cruel, neglectful and improper that life any 
longer with him is insupportable. 

2. Plaintiff further shows to the court that she has al- 
ways been a dutiful and loving wife and in accordance with 
defendant's express desire she has borne him eight children, 
which said children he has given the names of many promi- 
nent Zionists, although many of said children were and still 
are girls. Plaintiff says that when she looks upon her dim- 
pled, curly-haired daughter, whom her husband has insisted 
on calling Ben Yehudah, it breaks her heart and causes her 
great mental anguish. 

3. Plaintiff alleges that on or about December 5th, 1914, 
while defendant and she were apparently happy, there came 



GORDON VS. GORDON ' 11 



to the city in which she resided a certain Madam Mania, a fe- 
male Zionist propagandist, whose mission in life was said to 
be to help establish for persecuted Jews a permanent home 
in Palestine, but whose mission in reality was to break up 
Jewish homes in America by leading all Jewish husbands back 
to Palestine. 

4. Plaintiff shows to the court that under the influence 
of Madam Mania the defendant ceased to be a domesticated, 
home-loving animal, but commenced to run wild and spend 
all his earnings for Zionist literature and to neglect his home 
for speech-making with the aforesaid Madam Mania ; and that 
defendant often, in speaking to this plaintiff, would absent- 
mindedly call her Madam Mania instead of Giggle. 

5. Plaintiff further shows to the court that whenever she 
asked defendant for money to buy flowers or shrubbery he 
would say: "Shucks! I only have shekels for trees in the 
Herzl Wald." 

6. Plaintiff alleges that when she pleaded with her hus- 
band to save something for a rainy day, he replied that the 
only Emergency Fund that he recognized was the one that 
helped the poor Jews in Palestine; and that said defendant 
drew out his savings in the local bank and sent them all to 
the Anglo-Palestine Bank at Jaffa. 

7. Plaintiff further shows to the court that defendant 
would scatter all over the house queer little boxes, which he 
called National Fun boxes, but that plaintiff could not see 
any fun in stuffing these boxes with her pin money. 

8. Plaintiff further shows to the court that defendant 
would often outrage her motherly instincts by spanking all 
eight of the children in succession, giving as his only reason 
that he wanted his children to understand how the persecuted 
Jews in Russia and Roumania had to suffer. 

9. Plaintiff shows that defendant seems to have gone 
crazy in decorating the house with rugs and brass jars and 



12 N GORDON VS. GORDON 



silver pieces from the Bezalel Institute, an Asylum in Pales- 
tine. 

10. Finally plaintiff shows to this court that defendant 
persists in the dead of night in singing a song called "Hatik- 
vah," which wakes up the children and this plaintiff and has 
caused her to be on the verge of nervous prostration from loss 
of sleep. 

Plaintiff alleges that defendant's action and conduct to- 
ward her generally are of such a nature as to render their 
further living together as husband and wife insupportable; 
the premises considered, wherefore plaintiff prays the court 
that defendant be cited to appear and answer herein, for judg- 
ment dissolving said marriage relations, for the restoration of 
her maiden name, to-wit, Giggle Gans, for the permission of 
this court to rename her children with proper, melodious and 
human names, for the custody of said children, for costs of 
suit and for such other and further relief, special and gen- 
eral, in law and in equity, that she may be justly entitled to 
and in duty bound will ever pray, etc, 

JACOB BAUM, 
Attorney for Plaintiff. 

(Baum takes his seat and about 30 seconds later Waldman 
rises, after quieting Gordon, and reads defendant's answer to 
the court). 

GORDON vs. GORDON. No. 66666. In Twenty-third Dis- 
trict Divorce Mill of Goyim County, State of Tzoross. 
Now comes defendant in the above cause, by his attorney, 
and excepts to plaintiff's petition herein, and says that the 
same is not sufficient in law to require him to answer, and 
should be dismissed. Wherefore defendant prays judgment 
of the court, and that he be discharged with his costs, etc. 

HERZL WALDMAN, 
Attorney for Defendant. 
And for answer herein, if such be necessary, without waiv- 



GORDON VS. GORDON 13 



ing any of his exceptions herein, but still insisting on the same, 
this defendant denies the main allegations in plaintiff's peti- 
tion contained and says that same are not true in whole or in 
p^rt; and of this he puts himself upon the country. Where- 
fore defendant prays judgment of the court that plaintiff take 
nothing by his suit and that he go hence without day with his 
costs, etc. HERZL WALDMAN, 

Attorney for Defendant. 

In other words, your honor, the defendant asks that this 
suit be dismissed, because his wife has been influenced by med- 
dlesome neighbors to tell lies about him and because he and his 
wife really love each other. 

JUDGE — (Meditates a moment, then says:) The Court 
holds that evidence shall be introduced before the Court will 
reach a verdict in this case. Mr. Baum, proceed to introduce 
your evidence. 

BAUM — Take the stand, Mrs. Gordon. (His ^manner is like 
a father to a child.) 

(Mrs. Gordon shoots a look of contempt at her husband, 
smiles on the Judge, and takes her seat in the witness chair.) 

BAUM — State your name to the court. 

MRS. GORDON— Giggle Cans Gordon. (Defiantly.) 

BAUM — Just tell the Judge why you were named Giggle. 

MR. GORDON — Because she cries all the time. 

SHOTSKY — Order in the court. (Shouts it when Judge 
pounds icith gavel.) 

MRS. GORDON — Because up to the time I married I was 
always happy and laughing. (She commences to weep again.) 

BAUM — Tell the Judge when and where you were mar- 
ried. 

MRS. GORDON— It was in the middle of the Atlantic 
ocean on the 15th of February, 1907. (She brightens, thinking 
of the romance.) 



14 ' GORDON VS. GORDON 



BAUM — How do you remember the date so well, Mrs. 
Gordon ? 

MRS. GORDON — Because the day before was Valentine 
day and the next day Mordecai gave me a beautiful Valentine, 
that I've since found out some one else gave him, and 

MR. GORDON— Why, Judge I did not! 

JUDGE — Don't interrupt — Go on, Mrs. Gordon. 

MRS. GORDON — I don't know where I was at now. 

BAUM — Tell the Judge about the children. 

MRS. GORDON— There are eight of them all told; and 
there are no finer children in this world, if I do say so myself, 
as I was telling my neighbor the other 

BAUM — (Interrupting) — Never mind about that, Mrs. 
Gordon: how many boys and how many girls? 

MRS. GORDON— Five boys and three girls. 

MR. GORDON — Judge, there are four boys and four girls. 

MRS. GORDON— I say there are not. 

MR GORDON— And I say there are. 

MRS. GORDON— Well, I'm so excited I don't know how 
many there are and what's more, I don't care. 

(The Sheriff walks quickly over to Gordon and tells him 
in a low tone that he will have to behave. Gordon becomes very 
polite and says he will.) 

BAUM — Keep cool, and go on, Mrs. Gordon. 

Mrs. G. — Well, Mr. Gordon acts so crazy; he makes me 
name all the children such crazy names. All the neighbors 
make fun of me. 

BAUM — What are the names? 

MRS. G. — First there is Halukkah. Stand up Halukkah. I 
ask you. Judge, does that beautiful child look like a Halukkah? 

GORDON — I had a good reason for it. Judge, believe me. 

MRS. G. — My husband's name. Judge, is Mordecai X. Gor- 
don and the X stands for EXCUSE. Then there is Pinsker. 
Stand up, little Pinsky. Does that look like a Pinsker, Judge, 



GORDON VS. GORDON 15 



I ask you? Then come Schapiro, Herzl and Wolffsohn. Stand 
up, my darlings. Look at them Judge! I tell you it breaks 
my heart! And then Brandeis, Nordau and Ben Jehudah. 
Stand up, love hearts. Just look at that beautiful baby, my 
baby Judith, that he named Ben Yehudah. (Mrs. Gordon is 
about to cry again.) 

BAUM— There ! There ! Mrs. Gordon ! Tell about your early 
married life, Mrs. Gordon. 

MRS. G. — We were so happy. {She sighs). Mordecai used 
to always bring me something at night when he came home 
and he used always to kiss me now he kisses the Mezuzah, 
and he always called me pet names. 

BAUM — What names, Mrs. Gordon? 

MRS. G. — (embarrassed) O, I don't want to. 

JUDGE — You must tell the court everything, Mrs. Gordon. 

BAUM — Speak right out Mrs. Gordon. 

MRS. G. — Well, he used to call me his little Google-Giggle. 

(Laughter in the court room.) 

SHERIFF— Order in the court. (Shouts.) 

BAUM — Well, please go on, Mrs. Gordon. 

MRS. G. — Well, about three years ago Mordecai came home 
all excited one day in the middle of the afternoon. He said he 
had just listened to the most charming, beautiful, eloquent 
woman he ever saw and heard in all his life. 

G. — Why, Judge, I never no such a thing. 

MRS. G. — Yes you did, too. Said it right to my face, me 
your wife. You said that her name was Madam Mania, and 
that she was going to take all the Jews back to Jerusalem. 

BAUM — Do you see her in this room? 

MRS. G. — Yes, that's her right over there, the hussy! 
(Points at Madam Mania.) From the day he met her, my hus- 
band was a changed man. He would get up meetings for her, 
go to little, nearby towns and organize societies of Zionists 



16 GORDON VS. GORDON 



with her and often get so absent-minded that he would call 
me by her name by mistake. 

(At this juncture Gordon motions to the sheriff to come 
to him and when he does G. gives him some money to get some 
candy for the children. The Sheriff goes out to get the candy.) 

BAUM — Well, tell the Judge whether or not your husband 
provided for the support of you and the children. 

MRS. G. — He gave us comparatively nothing. Once, when 
I asked him for a little money for a flower garden, Pinsky 
loves to plant flowers, he said something about Pinsky having 
a tree in the Herzl Wald. Now I want to know, Judge, what 
good a tree over in Palestine is going to do my little Pinsky 
here? And when I would ask him to let me put something in 
the savings bank, he up and says that we shouldn't be so 
selfish ; that Madam Mania said Jews were dying in Palestine 
and that he was giving all he could spare to the Zionist 
Emergency Fund. And one day he came home and hung queer 
little boxes all over the house. He called them "National Fun 
Boxes," and when I told him I didn't see any fun in putting 
all my pin money in such a little box, he said my mind was 
as little as my heart. And I told him I guessed he learned to 
say that from Madam Mania. (Cries again.) 

At this juncture the sheriff returns with the candy and 
Gordon tuith great show of affection directs the sheriff to 
distribute a piece of big stick candy to each of the children. 
(This must be done quickly and quietly.) 

BAUM — Well, what was his treatment of the children? 

MRS. G. — He hardly ever noticed them, except about once 
a week he would whip each one of them in succession in order 
to remind them he said how the persecuted Jews in Russia 
and Roumania suffered. 

BAUM — Now just state to the Court how that affected 
you. 

MRS. G. — I used to weep for hours, until I thought my 
health would give way. Then, not content with cruelty to the 



GORDON VS. GORDON 17 



children, he seemed suddenly to go crazy on the idea of filling 
the house with carpets, brass jars and silver pieces from that 
Asylum in Palestine. I think they call it the Bezalel Institute. 
Now, I'm very artistic. And colors that don't harmonize 
make me shudder. These art things from Palestine gave me 
a pain every time I saw them. 

BAUM — Has your husband's conduct influenced or af- 
fected your health in any way. (Tone of voice indicates he is 
playing his trump card.) 

MRS. G.— Affected my health? Why, he has a perfect 
mania for singing a song he calls the Hatikvah at the dead of 
night. He wakes up all the children and then / have to 
quiet them to sleep. I have grown thinner and thinner from 
loss of sleep and my doctor says that I am on the verge of a 
nervous breakdown. (She commences to iveep again.) 

BAUM — There, now, Mrs. Gordon, control yourself; and 
just tell the court all about it. 

JUDGE — Mrs. Gordon : do you think there is no way that 
you and your husband could come to an understanding? 

MRS. G. — Come to an understanding? Judge, I wouldn't 
stand under no man. He has ruined my life, he thinks only 
for Jews across the ocean and right now he is trying to steal 
my children from me with candy. (She points an accusing 
finger at the defendant, whose attorney is trying to hold him 
down.) 

BAUM — Take the witness. 

WALDMAN — (Playfully) — Mrs. Gordon, you still love 
your husband, don't you? 

MRS. G. — (Contemptuously) . I won't talk to you. 

WALDMAN — Your honor, I think the Court should make 
this witness answer. 

JUDGE — You should answer the question, Mrs. Gordon. 

MRS. G. — (Defiantly and verging on hysterics) Well, I 
won't ! 



18 GORDON VS. GORDON 



JUDGE — (Taken hack, looking at the sheriff, then smiling 
at Waldman). I think, under the circumstances, it will be best 
to excuse the witness. You may call her back later. 

(Mrs. Gordon smiles sweetly on the Judge, sends a hard 
look at her husband and takes her seat) . 

BAUM — Call Miss Schmus, Miss Schmus! 

(Miss Schmus takes the stand — She is distinctly of the 
"iveis alius" type) . State your name to the court, please. 

MISS SCHMUS — Why, everybody knows my name. Dora 
Schmus. 

BAUM — Are you married? 

MISS SCHMUS— Why of course not. Not that I haven't 
had plenty of chances. 

BAUM — What do you know of the married life or home 
life of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon? 

MISS SCHMUS— I know all of it (triumphantly). 

BAUM — How did Mrs. Gordon treat her husband? 

MISS SCHMUS— Better than he deserved. She used to 
cook the loveliest gefilte fish and lep kuchel for him, and he 
would sit at the table reading a magazine called the Maccabean, 
"Maccatrouhle" I called it. And she kept the cleanest house 
you ever saw, not a speck of dust, and he would come in late 
at night from Zionist meetings in some poor neighborhood 
with mud all over his shoes and say that he only wished it was 
dirt from Palestine so he could track it all over the house. 

BAUM— Take the witness. 

WALDMAN — Miss Schmus, do you think that if a wife is 
a good cook and housekeeper that's all a husband needs? 

MISS SCHMUS— What else could he want? 

WALDMAN — Did it ever occur to you that a man's soul 
could be hungry and need companionship for his ideals? 

MISS SCHMUS: (She looks at the Judge, like Waldman 
is crazy.) What's a hungry soul? I don't understand such a 
language. And ideals? I've heard about card-deals and real 



GORDON VS. GORDON 19 



estate deals, but ideals — I don't know what you talk. 

WALDMAN — I shall ask you just one more question, Miss 
Schmus. 

MISS SCHMUS— O, that's all right— it's no trouble to me 
— ^just take your time. 

WALDMAN — Isn't it a fact. Miss Schmus, that your ill 
feeling toward this defendant is due to the fact that you and 
he were once sweethearts and he later married Mrs. Gordon. 

MISS SCHMUS — (Colors up — looks like she would choke) 
"YOU BRUTE, YOU" — (jams her handkerchief to her mouth 
and rushes excitedly from the witness stand.) 

BAUM — I should like to have Halukkah testify, your hon- 
or. 

(Baum has to drag and coax the reluctant Halukkah to 
the stand, holding a stick of candy before him.) 

BAUM— Now, Halukkah, don't be afraid. Just tell the 
court why your father whipped you. 

JUDGE — Wait a minuted Why is your name Halukkah? 

GORDON — Because he is such a loafer. 
SHERIFF— I say: Order in the court. 

HALUKKAH— Shall I tell the truth, mamma? {Drawling 
tone). 

MRS. G. — Of course, Lukie, sweetheart. 

HALUKKAH — My father whipped me, because my mother 
said it was a man's duty to punish the children. (At this Gor- 
don slaps his thigh in great delight.) 

BAUM — Did you like for your father to whip you? (Gets 
disgusted with the witness.) 

HALUKKAH — Sure. I would rather have a whipping 
than to stay in the house all day like mamma makes us. 

JUDGE — I have heard enough from this witness. (Impa- 
tient of time wasted.) 

BAUM — Then the plaintiff rests her case, may it please 
the court. 



20 GORDON VS. GORDON 



WALDMAN — Take the stand, Mr. Gordon. (Gordon walks 
smilingly to the stand — he radiates so much good-will it is 
hard to keep from liking him.) State your name to the court. 

GORDON— Mordecai X. Gordon. 

JUDGE— What does the X stand for? 

GORDON — You heard what my wife said, your honor, I 
never dispute with a lady. 

WALDMAN — When did you first become interested in 
Jewish Nationalism? 

GORDON — When I first heard that song that every na- 
tion has a flag but the Jew. 

WALDMAN — Then Madam Mania was not the cause of 
your interest? 

GORDON — She increased mj interest by showing me the 
wonderful things the brave Jews were doing in Palestine 
to make a fine home for the Jews so that every Jew would 
feel he had a sure enough home if he ever needed one. 

WALDMAN — Tell the Court why you gave the children 
such peculiar names. 

GORDON — Honest, Judge, there wasn't a sign of Jewish 
life in my home; no sabbath lights, no blessings, no prayers, 
no kosher, no nothing. I pleaded and begged my wife to 
teach our children some Jewish life. She said she wanted them 
to forget they were Jews and that she didn't see why people 
had to be something that wasn't popular and that she wished 
Jews had never been born. Well, Judge, when I thought how 
Abraham was the greatest man of his time and how Moses 
had given nearly the whole world its religion ; when I thought 
of all the great things the Jews had done, and my children 
there hearing such things about my people, I told my 
wife that she should be punished. I would make her hear 
Jewish names day and night, and so. Judge, that's why I 
named all the children by such names of fine Jewish men, and 



GORDON VS. GORDON 21 



believe me, Judge, they like their names. Don't you like your 
name, Wolffsohn? 

WOLFFSOHN (from her seat) Yes, Papa, I can go like 
a wolf, too. Here is the way a wolf goes. (She imitates a 
wolf.) 

GORDON — See, Judge, she loves her name and it teaches 
her to love animals, too. 

WALDMAN — Just state to the court, how you came to 
meet this Madam Mania and just what your relations with 
her were and are: 

MRS. G. — (Pointing her finger at him and shouting) He 
don't dare! 

SHERIFF — Order, Mrs. Gordon. I threw a noisy lady 
out of the window last week. 

GORDON — I remember it just like yesterday. I went to 
see the Rabbi at his boarding house about a little Shadchen 
matter and there I met Madam Mania, who was visiting the 
family that kept the boarding house. And she asked me why 
I looked so sad, and the first thing I knew I told her all about 
my married troubles and that wonderful woman told me she 
knew a case back east like mine and that Zionism had brought 
husband and wife together again. Well, Judge, I tried and I 
tried, but my wife, every time I would talk about Zionism 
she would begin to sing. Now, Judge, my Gigglechen may 
be pretty, but she can't sing and it nearly drove me crazy to 
hear her try to sing. 

WALDMAN— That will be enough of that, Mr. Gordon. 
Now just tell the court, is it true or not, that you would often 
absent-mindedly call your wife Madam Mania? 

GORDON — Judge, that is the biggest story in the world. 
Whenever I would start to tell her something about Madam 
Mania she would stuff her fingers in her ears and couldn't 
hear the rest of the sentence and thought that was all I said. 



22 ' GORDON VS. GORDON 



WALDMAN — What is all this about the trees in the Herzl 
Wald? 

GORDON — It is a beautiful forest in Palestine. Jews 
from all over the world plant trees there ; and I tell you, Judge, 
just as the life of a tree is longer than the life of a flower, so 
the life in Palestine will last longer than the flowers of Jewish 
charity in America. 

JUDGE — I see you are something of a poet, Mr. Gordon. 

GORDON — It is the Zionism that makes me see beautiful 
pictures. 

MRS. G. — He used to write beautiful poetry to me. Judge, 
but he never did talk such beautiful things about Zionism to 
me. 

GORDON — Why, Gigglechen, you would never give me the 
chance. 

WALDMAN — Is it true that you would never give your 
wife any money for a rainy day? 

GORDON — Money, for a rainy day ? Why once I gave her 
five dollars for overshoes and an umbrella. 

WALDMAN — That is not what I mean — didn't you give 
her anything to save? 

GORDON — How could I save money. Judge, with women 
and children starving in Palestine, with those fine schools and 
no pay for the teachers ? If I should save when others starve 
I would be a criminal. I tell you. Judge, when a Jew don't 
feel that every Jew is a member of his family he's not a Jew 
any more. He's an imitation. (Applause.) 

SHOTSKY— Order there ! 

WALDMAN— What about the National Fun Boxes? 

GORDON — That is not the right name. Not fun boxes — 
Fund Boxes (he spells it out) are pretty little blue and white 
boxes which are distributed (makes a proud face over being 
vbhle to use a big word like distributed) in every truly Jew- 
ish home to catch the stray dimes and nickels that go to make 



GORDON VS. GORDON 23 



up the dollars that run the whole Zionist movement. 

WALD MAN— Tell the Court why you would sing the Hat- 
ikvah in the dead of night. 

GORDON — I guess I'm a fool, Judge, to be so happy. But 
have you ever seen a mother kiss her baby? She kisses that 
baby everywhere. She kisses it at home, in the street car, in 
the jitney, in the department store, everywhere. It is the 
same with me. I get so happy when I think that the poor 
Jewish people, who have been wandering for two thousand 
years, are at last to have a home. And sometime at night in 
bed I dream of the fine Jewish boys and girls in Palestine go- 
ing to school, singing the Jewish songs, living a life of self- 
respect, speaking the old Hebrew tongue, growing up with 
their parents instead of away from them, as in this country, 
and my heart gets so full of joy that if I didn't sing when I 
wake up from such a dream, I know. Judge, I would just bust. 

WALD MAN — So the whole trouble between you and your 
wife seems to be that she don't understand this big thing that 
has come into your life ? 

MRS. GORDON — {Getting up and advancing on Waldman, 
shaking her finger at him). Who don't understand who? You 
poor simpleton, do you think for one minute that if he had 
ever talked to me about Zionism like he has talked here that I 
wouldn't have loved it, too ? No. He just ordered me around. 
The trouble with you men is that you think more of propa- 
ganda work among strangers than in your own family. I tell — 

JUDGE — Be seated, Mrs. Gordon. I'm conducting the trial 
of this case. Is there any more evidence, Mr. Waldman ? 

WALDMAN— Take the witness. 

BAUM — Why don't you want your wife to have this di- 
vorce ? 

GORDON — Because she is the mother of my eight chil- 
dren and because we are told the angels in heaven weep when 



24 GORDON VS. GORDON 



a Jewish home is broken up ; because she don't know her own 
mind. 

BAUM — Well, who does know a woman's mind ? 

GORDON — A smart lawyer like you. I guess you know 
where you will get your fee in this case. 

JUDGE — Proceed with the case, gentlemen. 

BAUM — If you know that you make your wife miserable, 
why should you want to go on as man and wife ? 

GORDON — She is not miserable ; you just talked her into 
it. 

BAUM — You haven't been able to support her. (Gets an- 
gry). 

GORDON — Haven't supported her? Believe me, Mr. Baum, 
if you don't know law any better than you know what I spend 
on my family you ought to be dismembered from practice. 
Look, look once, Judge, how fine she is dressed, and look at 
my eight children, every one like a new Ford, with eight pair 
of new shoes; 16 shoes, Judge, just think of it, with the cow 
jumping over the moon. And that near lawyer talking out of 
his mind about my not supporting them. He's an igndro- 
mancer. 

BAUM — For God's sake, take the witness. 

JUDGE — {Laughing). Take your seat, Mr. Gordon. You 
really do not need a lawyer. Have you any other witnesses, 
Mr. Waldman ? 

WALDMAN — I should like to introduce at this juncture, 
your honor, several experts. 

JUDGE— Very well. 

WALDMAN— Call Mr. Tobias. 

{Mr. Tobias rises out of the audience and comes forward 
and takes the stand) . 

WALDMAN — You are an expert in the matter of the Na- 
tional Fund of the Zionists, I believe. 

TOBIAS — I don't know that I am an expert, but it has been 
my hobby. The National Fund is to the Zionist Movement 



GORDON VS. GORDON 25 



what irrigation is to parched land. From this fund comes 
the lubricating oil that makes the whole machinery run. The 
idea originated in the mind of Herman Schapiro, teacher of 
mathematics at Heidelberg. It was presented at the first 
Zionist Congress, but it took five congresses for the Jews to 
be good enough to themselves to adopt the idea. In other 
words, if you will permit me to say so, at the first congress 
this glorious idea of Professor Schapiro sounded as crazy to 
the Zionists there as Mr. Gordon did to his wife here. It takes 
time for people and wives to digest ideas. 

MRS. GORDON— Is that so— the nerve ! 

SHOTSKY— Order in the Court! 

WALDMAN — Then you consider the National Fund the 
most important Zionist institution. 

TOBIAS — It is to Zionism what the blood stream is to the 
human body. Before the National Fund became the life-giv- 
ing force in the Zionist Movement, everyone expected some 
sort of miracle to bring back the Jewish nation, but the Na- 
tional Fund put the movement for the first time on the sound 
basis of democracy, so that the small shekel of the poor man 
was just as important as the donation of the rich in building 
back the old home place in Palestine. In this way the Jewish 
nation belongs to every Jew, no matter however humble; it 
ceased to be an object of charity and became an investment. 
It has bought land for colonies, protected the farmer from be- 
ing robbed by unprincipled speculators and established schools. 
It really is the national life-saving station ; and whenever any 
project in Palestine commenced to sink it would cry for help 
and the National Fund would come to the rescue. 

WALDMAN— Take the witness. 

BAUM — That's all very well for Palestine, Mr. Tobias, but 
what good can such things do Jews in America ? 

TOBIAS — Well, one instance is among the Jews scattered 
in the small towns in the United States* I happened sometime 



..26 GORDON VS. GORDON 



ago to place some National Fund boxes in a few Jewish homes 
in the small towns and for the first time the parents and 
children commenced to feel their relationship to the great 
Jewish family and to become a little interested in things Jew- 
ish again. 

BAUM — You want this court to believe that a little box 
can do all that ? 

TOBIAS — This little box today is to the Zionist as sacred 
as the Me2;uzah of yesterday. It does not rattle like the He- 
bra Kaddisha box speaking for the dead, but it calls out to 
us asking what preparations are we as Jews making for the 
future. It cries out: "Let the lesson of the past teach you 
the penalty of neglect!" Every Jew must contribute to the 
Jewish National Fund as his poll tax to support the national 
preparedness of today for national emergencies of tomorrow. 
We have a right to demand that the Jewish nation cease to 
walk upon its hands, that it stand upright once more and that 
all Jews help us to provide a future worthy of an ancient and 
honorable nation. 

BAUM — But suppose people can't spare money for the Na- 
tional Fund from the actual necessities of life? 

TOBIAS — Then I advise the men to smoke one cigar less 
a week and the women to spend a dollar less a year on hats. 

BAUM — That's ridiculous — ^what good could a dime do 
you? 

TOBIAS — The same good that an idea would do you ! The 
buildings in Palestine are made of stones and the National 
Fund is made of dimes. 

BAUM — Take the witness — he is getting sassy. 

WALDMAN — You are excused, Mr. Tobias ; thank you, sir. 

WALDMAN— Call Miss Dongut. 

(Miss Dongut comes to the stand. She is soft-spoken, re- 
fined, and a lover of the beautiful) . 

WALDMAN — What is your name? 

MRS. D.— Leah Dongut. 



GORDON VS. GORDON 27 



WALDMAN— The plaintiff mentioned the Bezalel Asylum. 
Just tell the court about that institution. 

MRS. D. — If by asylum you mean a place of refuge from 
materialism and bad art then you may call Bezalel an asylum. 
The correct name is Bezalel Institute. 

WALDMAN— What do they do there? 

MRS. D. — The Bezalel is a world-famed School of Arts 
and Crafts. Its art works are sold all over the world to peo- 
ple who know the beautiful and love it. The director of the 
school, Mr. Boris Schatz, teaches the pupils carpet weaving, 
beaten copper and brass work, ivory carving, lace-making and 
the like. But the pupils learn by doing and in 1912 they sold 
their products for $50,000. 

WALDMAN — Is there anything distinctive about the art? 

MRS. D. — Yes, for the first time there is a real Jewish 
art. In the Bezalel Institute there are two museums, one of 
Jewish antiquities and art objects, and the other of plants and 
animals of Palestine. The students study the exhibits in these 
museums and use many of the objects as art forms in com- 
posing their designs. 

WALDMAN— Take the witness. 

BAUM — How is all this going to make Mr. Gordon a good 
husband for Mrs. Gordon ? 

MRS. D. — Well, as Mr. Gordon studies the art objects of 
the Bezalel he develops his sense of the beautiful and the more 
he develops that sense of the beautiful, the more he will ap- 
preciate the beauty of Mrs. Gordon. 

(Mrs. Gordon smiles sweetly on Mrs. Dongut). 

BAUM — Are you sarcastic? 

MRS. D. — As you please. 

BAUM — Your Honor, I believe this witness is sarcastic. 

JUDGE — Mrs. Dongut, are you sarcastic? 

MRS. D. — {Smiles sweetly). You know, Judge, I often 
wonder whether I am or not. 

JUDGE — Ahem, quite so. 



28 GORDON VS. GORDON 



BAUM — I am through with this witness. I can't tell 
whether she is laughing at me or not. 

WALDMAN — You are excused, Mrs. Dongut, thank you. 

WALD MAN— Call Mr. Levine. 

(Mr. Levine rises from the audience and takes the stand). 

WALDMAN — Mr. Levine, you have done propaganda work 
I believe for the Zionist Emergency Fund? 

LEVINE — Yes, sir; although it was not very pleasant to 
be taken for a schnorrer, yet my love for the cause has made 
me persist and I have raised something like $100,000 in the 
United States for the starving Jews and tottering Jewish in- 
stitutions in Palestine. 

WALDMAN— Take the witness. 

BAUM — And how do the Jews in the United States know 
that one cent of that money will ever reach the Jews in Pales- 
tine? 

WALDMAN — I object, your Honor, to the insulting form 
of that question. 

JUDGE — Answer the question. Mr. Baum, try to couch 
your questions in proper language. 

LEVINE — Well, unlike the attorney for the plaintiff, the 
chairman of the fund, Justice Brandeis, is an honest lawyer 
and our transmission of funds to Palestine has been so hon- 
est and efficient that Syrians, Arabs and other non-Jews in 
New York who have relatives in Palestine and Syria have in- 
sisted that the Zionist Emergency Committee send the money 
to their relatives. Of course it is not surprising that non- 
Jews have been able to recognize the good the Zionists do be- 
fore the Jews themselves. 

BAUM — I'm through with this witness, he tries to be too 
funny. 

WALDMAN — You are excused, Mr. Levine. Thank you, 
sir. Call Madam Mania. 

{Madam Mania rises and walks with great dignity to the 
stand and sits down slowly). 



GORDON VS. GORDON 29 



WALDMAN — (With great deference) : Madam Mania, 
what is your interest in Zionism ? 

MADAM MANIA — Zionism is the same as life to me, and 
I may say, for your edification, that it is the life of all Jews, 
if they had sense enough to know it. For, if the poor sheep 
had wits enough to see it, they would know that all this talk 
of restricting immigration into the United States means that 
pretty soon the Jew must look elsewhere for a home. Then 
how grateful these anti-Zionists and Jewish What-Nots will 
be that a Jewish Nation in Palestine offers them not the privi- 
lege, but the human right of a home. 

WALDMAN — (With increasing admiration for the Mad- 
am) : Then it is your idea that the Jewish people will disap- 
pear unless nationalized ? 

MADAM MANIA — No less an authority than Max Nor- 
dau says that in fifty years of liberty in France there is not 
a single prominent Jewish family that has not intermarried 
and that in a generation more they will all disappear as Jews. 

WALDMAN — Take the witness, but I will want her back 
(sweetly). 

BAUM — (Swelling up) : But, Madam Mania, I will pro- 
pound to you this interrogatory : Don't you think that it is the 
mission of the Jew to suffer and wander and teach the world ? 

MADAM — That is an awful slander on God to say that He 
loves to see innocent people suffer. When all the Jews have 
tried as hard to build back a Nation in Palestine as they do to 
succeed in business then they will have earned the right, if 
they fail in Palestine, to say that God wants them to suffer. 

WALDMAN — (Excitedly) . Hurrah for you ! 

SHOTSKY— Order in the Court ! 

BAUM — Well, you will have to admit that Zionists are not 
very patriotic Americans, if they live here and are trying to 
build a Jewish Nation in Palestine. We don't want any more 
nations. That's what caused the war in Europe. 



30 GORDON VS. GORDON 



MADAM M. — The trouble with you, my friend, is that you 
have lost the old Jewish family feeling. If you were a real 
Jew you would know that it is no more unpatriotic to send 
shekels from this country to Palestine than for a Jew here to 
send money to his parents in Black Russia. It is all a mat- 
ter of family feeling. Unfortunately, President Wilson didn't 
have the benefit of your (sa7'castic) deep counsel when he ap- 
pointed the unpatriotic Louis Brandeis to the highest judicial 
tribunal in the land. 

BAUM — 0, Brandeis ! He's an exception. 

MADAME M. — You're wrong again, my friend. I happen 
to see in the court room Madam Patria, who is a very ardent 
Zionist, yet at the same time she has found place in her soul 
to compose a national anthem, ALL HAIL AMERICA,* that 
has received great praise from the leading orchestral direc- 
tors in Philadelphia and New York. Now, if the good Judge 
will permit us the use of that piano in his private room I 
would like to show what a Zionist can do by having Madam 
Patria play for us. 

JUDGE — I'm sure we would all welcome a little diversion 
from these proceedings. 

(Madam Patria plays the chorus only, the rest of the com* 
position being too long to he available here. Applause, which 
wakes up the Sheriff) . 

SHOTSKY— Order in this Court ! What do you think this 
is, a theatre? 

JUDGE — That is quite excellent, Madam Patria. I thank 
you. {She keeps her seat) . 

MADAM M. — I trust that will convince even you, Mr. 
Baum, that a Zionist is not entirely irreligious, often has a 
soul and is almost a human being. 



* Copies of ALL HAIL AMERICA may be had by application to the 
composer. Miss Selma Katzenstein, head of the Dallas Conservatory of, 
Music, 221 East Jefferson Ave., Dallas, Texas. 



GORDON VS. GORDON 31 



JUDGE — I must insist that we confine these proceedings 
to the divorce and not so much to Zionist propaganda. 

BAUM — Quite right, your Honor. I was about to remark 
the same thing myself. Now, Madam Mania, how about^your 
questionable relations with this defendant. 

WALDMAN — (Rising and in a threatening tone). Be 
careful, there; don't you insult this lady. 

BAUM — Just answer the question, Madam Mania. 

MADAME M. — I haven't the slightest objection. My in- 
terest in Mr. Gordon was merely to use him for the Zionist 
Movement, At first he showed the proper enthusiasm, but 
soon he became so wishy-washy with excuses, broke appoint- 
ments merely because his wife wanted him to stay at home, 
promised everything and did nothing, had as many moods 
as the day has hours, was absolutely unreliable and so lack- 
ing in back-bone that I have become utterly disgusted with 
him. Such a man is no good to — 

MRS. G. — {Jumping up and advancing excitedly). Lacks 
back-bone, does he? You think you know something about 
married life, without a child to your name. Come here, my 
Mordecai. (Holds out her arms. Mordecai gets up and slow- 
ly comes to her). Woman, you ought to be ashamed of your- 
self — the way you use a man and then throw him away un- 
gratefully. O, you vampire, you! (Mordecai and his wife 
embrace, then go over to the delighted little Gordons. Mad- 
am M. winks and smiles knowingly at the Judge. Waldman 
comes up to Madam M. and talks with her very earnestly). 

JUDGE — (Rapping for order) . Be seated. I see this court 
has been turned into a family reunion. (All are seated ex- 
cept Waldman, who is still busy talking to Madam M. Finally 
she nods her consent and Waldman whispers something to the 
Judge. Baum is then seen talking to Miss Schmus. The Judge 
then says) : This is the first time in the history of this court 



32 



GORDON VS. GORDON 



that two honeymoons have come out of one divorce case. 

BAUM — Make it three, Judge. {He and Miss Schmus take 
their places beside Waldman and Madam Mania before the 
Judge, who asks the usual questions in marriage ceremony. 
After which he pronounces each couple man and wife. Mad- 
am Patria plays the wedding march. All file out, the Judge 
last, leaving the Sheriff asleep — He suddenly rouses — stretches 
— yawns and walks out of the room). 



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